The Amazing Spider-Man

This is what it's come to. Instead of making any new movies, we're just going to remake the same movie over and over and over and call each one a reimagining or a reboot when it's really just a rehash. Sony will churn out three new Spider-Man movies, then they'll decide it's time to reboot the series. In 2022 they'll reboot the series again and start all over. Warner Brothers is already planning on rebooting its Batman series, despite the fact that Christopher Nolan's trilogy has a decent shot at being the best film series ever.

We do not need a new Spider-Man series. Sure, Spider-Man 3 left a bad taste in a lot of fan's mouths, and a lot of people are quick to point the finger at director Sam Raimi. But it's not his fault Sony made him shoehorn Venom into a film that already had two villains.  He did the best he could with what he was given, and Sony decided to repay him by handing him a pink slip.

But let's not dwell too much on the past when there's plenty to criticize in the present.

Turning our attention to the trailer: what is this bullshit? The first thirty seconds is like a trailer for a lousy mystery/thriller. Little Peter Parker is all anxious because his parents are going someplace. "There's something your mom and I have to do," Daddy says. I know what you're thinking. It's the same thing I was thinking: Who gives a shit about Peter Parker's parents? They're a total non-issue in every regard. They play absolutely no role in anything. The formula has always been very simple: Uncle Ben = Dad, Aunt May = Mom. Peter Parker has never, until this film, had any problem with his parents being gone because his aunt and uncle essentially are his parents. You know what he does have a problem with? Uncle Ben getting blown away. That's the father figure he misses and pines for. Not his actual father. Besides, Peter's dad probably couldn't make rice like Uncle Ben.

You want to know the real reason why Peter's parents are featured so prominently in this trailer? The desire to draw comparisions between this film and another film about a boy losing his parents, living with his aunt and uncle, and getting all angsty about it.

They may have been trying to make Andrew Garfield look as much like Harry Potter as possible, but in the end he just looks like a hipsterprep douchebag. Peter Parker is a brilliant science geek. Peter Parker does not use hair product.

Speaking of looks, have you seen this new outfit? It's terrible. It looks like a cross between a childrens' ice cream bar and something you'd see at a BDSM club.

And what's this nonsense about trying to go young in this new series? I get it; at 36, Tobey Maguire was getting a little old to play Peter Parker. This new movie will give us Spider-Man in high school, which thye're trying to pass off as a new idea, ignoring the fact that Raimi's first Spider-Man (2002) starts off with Peter in high school. So, naturally, they hired a guy who's 27.

We get a scene of Peter eating dinner at Gwen Stacy's house. Denis Leary, who is apparently her father, would like to know a bit about the young man. Gwen answers for him: "Peter lives with his aunt and uncle." Who gives a shit? That's the worst possible answer. It says nothing about him. It's the kind of answer Gwen would give if she wanted her dad to hate Peter.

We're going to see Peter get bit by that spider again. Because if there's one thing people don't know about Peter Parker, it's how he becomes Spider-Man. It's a story we must tell again. Except in this version he gets bitten in what appears to be a laser tag arena. Why does this fancy science lab have its own area for laser tag? And why is a spider playing? Because this movie sucks.

In another effort to distance itself from the previous Spider-Man series, the middle of the trailer features some music that sounds exactly like the beginning of Danny Elfman's Spider-Man theme from the last three movies. Way to be original, assholes.

The trailer ends exactly how any trailer should: with a continous thirty second first-person perspective shot of Spider-Man jumping around like an idiot, rendered in mediocre CGI. What is this, a commercial for the poorly-done licensed tie-in video game?

One final thought: the trailer leaves me wondering a few things. Most important? WHO IS THE VILLAIN?! This is a superhero movie. Superhero movies need two things, a superhero and a supervillain. I get that Harry Potter is the superhero. Who's the goddamn villain?