The process of crafting a trailer for an upcoming film is as much an art as crafting the film itself. In a time span of less than 150 seconds a trailer must make a film appealing enough to viewers to compel them to reach into their pockets and shell out money to see said film when it's released. There are plenty of ways a trailer can do that: establishing the movie's plot; identifying popular or well-known actors, directors, and producers associated with the film; using popular, well-known, or otherwise catchy music.
The recently-released trailer for the American remake of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo fails on each point.
The easiest failure to analyze is the use of music. The trailer uses a single piece of music, Led Zeppelin's 1970 single "Immigrant Song," which in and of itself is a fine choice. What isn't a fine choice is using "Immigrant Song" as interpreted by Trent Reznor, a guy who looks like he should be renting me cars, and Karen Orzolek, who should be arrested for the theft of Moe Howard's haircut.
Covers are like remakes; either bring something radically new to the table or don't bother doing it. Anyone who allowed this version of "Immigrant Song" to be created should be physically harassed by Jason Bonham, or better yet, John Bonham's corpse.
But there are deeper issues at play than just using a version of of a song that makes one want to listen to the original, better version of the same song. For instance, the failure to identify anyone involved in the creation of the film. I've always felt that an interesting story should be the driving point of any trailer because, with very few exceptions (Christopher Nolan, Michael Bay), the relative goodness of a new movie is not guaranteed by the past accomplishments (or lack thereof) of the film's director or stars. Because great directors, like Steven Spielberg, can put out some duds -- A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001) -- the same way that bad directors, like Michael Bay, can put out some hits -- Armageddon (1998). That said, linking an upcoming title to the past successes of directors and actors can be a very valuable marketing tool. A valuable marketing tool that the ad whizzes who came up with this trailer decided not to use.
Rooney Mara will be playing the girl with the aforementioned dragon tattoo. Not using her name to promote the movie is understandable because nobody knows who the hell she is. She played the female lead in the Nightmare On Elm Street remake (2010) and appeared in The Social Network (2010), the made-for-TV movie about the rivalry between Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. That's it.
A name you may want to throw out would be the director, David Fincher, well-known for his movies Se7en (1995), Fight Club (1999), The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button (2008), and The Social Network. The other lead, however, is played by Daniel Craig, a man who's kind of a big deal. He's James Bond. You may want to tout that when promoting what appears to be an action movie.
I say "what appears to be an action movie" because the trailer fails at it's most important job: giving the viewer an idea, any idea at all, about the movie's story or plot. There is no shred of anything that resembles a narrative flow to the trailer or the film itself; it's a succession of brief scenes from the movie, the word "brief" being used generously: there are 167 cuts in the 99 second trailer. That's one cut every 0.59 seconds. In order to truly understand the ridiculousness presented in this trailer, I will break down my assessment of what's happening during each and every shot presented, then attempt to piece them together and figure out what the movie's about.
So we start out turning onto this road. It looks kind of like the road Dustin Hoffman and Tom Cruise walk down in Rain Man (1988) except much snowier. A pair of glasses is sitting on a painting or a drawing or a photo of some plant. Or a sprig of parsley. Or something. James Bond is exiting someplace, possibly a courthouse, followed by some other people. There's some reporters, so whatever he finished doing must've been interesting. There's that girl! The one with the dragon tattoo. She's on some stairs and talking on the phone! That promises to be exciting. Isn't that the bridge that collapsed in Minnesota a few years back? Some guy, Bond I think, is wandering around some more pictures of something. There's a few lights on, but it's still pretty dark. Someone should turn on some more. Oh, this is what those pictures are. More parsley or holly or mistletoe or something. Alright, here's some old guy. I think this shot was lifted directly from the ending of The Godfather Part II (1974).
Here's Bootstrap Bill Turner without all that sea crap on his face. This looks like a search party in the forest. They found some box. What's in it? Maybe Jumanji? Bond's roaming the streets. Here are some old pictures of some girls ranging in levels of attractiveness. This guy looks like my boss, but I don't know why he'd be in this movie. Let's have a look at this old picture. What's with the magnifying glass? What is this, Sherlock Holmes? There's that girl again. Just standing around. Some apartment complexes. Riveting. Also, someplace called Egaraget. Is that like the Swedish Target? Bond and Bootstrap look at someone on a bike, possibly Trinity. Here's a family dinner with people dressed like it's 1958. Someone is coming out of what appears to be a highway rest area. This makes me think there could be some homosexual activity in this movie. Highway rest areas were the bathhouses of the 90s for many, many, many gay men. Who is this guy? He looks like the bearded love child of Patrick Swayze and Robert Wuhl. There's that old guy again. This shot makes me think of some of John Huston's scenes in Chinatown (1974). Daniel Craig is having an adult beverage. Maybe he IS James Bond. Oh, we're back on the road. I wonder where we're going. We're back in the 50s again and this guy looks like he's outraged about something. Hey, nice driving, pal. That is some accident. Also, I think this is the first time this trailer's cut away to the same scene. Bond's walking back up from the lake. He may have just gone swimming. Here's the road again. This road shows up more times than the one in that movie The Road (2009). Oh, some woman's back. That tells me a lot. A couple maids. Stimulating stuff. We're not moving down this road very fast. A cop boat? So, the police are involved... A sprinkler? Somebody's in the parking lot of what appears to be a Swedish convenience store. I don't know who Sjostroms is. I can tell there are going to be a lot of umlauts in this movie. Who is THIS guy? Again with the road. Somebody's looking at something. Most wanted posters? Missing persons posters? Bond looks pissed about something. Oh, it was that dragon girl. I have a feeling that this fellow is a terrible hunter. Racing by on a motorcycle at high speeds! That's exciting! Look at all the different modes of transportation depicted in this movie! Bond, in addition to being very cold, is taking notes. Bring out your dead? Looks like some people are gathering for something. A meeting perhaps? They're probably all evil, as indicated by them all driving black cars. Two girls kissing! That'll get people to the theater! See, I was right about that homosexual activity. Here's some guy. Maybe Bond? It's hard to tell. Someone should turn on a light. Hey, there's that dragon girl again. She could use a little sun. How many shots of cops on a bridge are in this movie, anyway? Dude in a telephone booth that's been spelled phonetically. Oh, it's Bond. I wonder who he's talking to. Hey, this guy's on a phone! Maybe he's the one Bond's talking to! Some dude, possibly Bond, in a fancy apartment with two people making out in the back there. The owner of the apartment is either an astronomy nut or a pervert. Someone on a bike again?! This is going to be as exciting as Fast Five (2011)! Who is THIS guy?! Bond is out on a hill someplace. Dragon girl is doing a bunch of research on something or another. Looks like she's in a pretty swank hotel, too. This guy looks like he's auditioning to be the next Most Interesting Man In The World. Sean Penn's ex-wife is in this movie, too! Oh, so dragon girl and Bond know each other! Maybe they should've focused on that plot point a little more in the trailer. Bond was reading USA Today but got distracted by something. A parade in 1958! I think this relates to the plot somehow, but I don't know for sure because this trailer won't tell me. What a lovely bunch of homely-looking girls. Bond needs glasses. The road. Again. Whoops, he doesn't need them anymore, so he's taking them off. We're really spending a lot of time on this damn road. And it really takes Bond a long time to take his glasses off. There's Homely again. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Bond's being shot at! Gunplay! Everyone likes a little gunplay! I wonder who shot at him! Dragon girl has a gun too? Maybe she's the one who shot at him! Now Bond's running down a hill. Is he being chased? Is he the chaser? Who are you? Maybe he's just running as part of his daily workout. It seems like they're trying to establish the girl with the dragon tattoo as an important character. Of course, I already assumed that since the name of the movie is The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. There's THAT guy again. Who is THAT?! Who is THIS?! Some of the shots of Robin Wright look like they're taken directly from Unbreakable (2000). This old guy must have trouble breathing. I think that's the back of dragon girl's head. And somebody's touching it. Bond had a few too many vodka martinis. Is that Toht from Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981)?!
I swear this shot is from Unbreakable too. Who are these characters?! How many bridges are in this movie, anyway? More motorcycle ridin'. I don't even know what's happening here. Yes, I'm led to believe dragon girl will be a central figure. Toht's looking pretty good for a guy who had his face melted. Ten bucks says she rolls down the window and says, "Get it." Grainy security footage. That tells me a lot. Bond contemplates something. Maybe the trailer. One, two, Freddy's coming for her. And we're back in 1958. Somebody, possibly dragon girl, looks to be having some sort of sexual encounter, possibly against her will. I'm almost positive this happened in one of the Bond movies. Overwhelmed by a sense of deja vu, Bond drops his glass. Dragon girl demonstrates what to do in the event of an earthquake. It looks like someone was murdered while in the throes of passion. This is the weirdest tattoo parlor I've ever seen. The focus is on the subject, but through a camera aimed at the subject rather than the subject itself. How artsy. I really hate this house. People ride motorcycles in action movies! What is so special about this damn house?! Just cruisin'. There's so many shots of the house in this trailer you'd think it was for the movie House (1986). Or that show House. Enough with the bike already. Enough with the house already. None shall pass. NONE shall pass. Bond's in a hurry to get somewhere. It's amazing how many of these shots are just people looking at something. That SUV really doesn't want to get passed. Is this that same house without the snow? Nice car. People drive nice cars in action movies. Is that dragon girl? It looks kinda like her, except she's got blonde hair. Hey, is this a trailer for Salt 2? Why is there all this camera equipment? Is this a behind-the-scenes photo? That was the look on my face through most of the trailer. I almost forgot that Bootstrap was in this. I didn't almost forget that dragon girl was in this. That's a lovely piece of scenery. Bond is hitching a ride someplace. And apparently nobody is people him up. What's wrong with your faaaaaace? Cripes, the house is back. Whoops, we're a little closer now. Bond's looking out the window. Is he in the house? Taking a knife out. That could be exciting! Knives can be used as weapons! They can also be used to dice okra. I get it. We're moving closer to the house. Far too many house shots. What's he looking at? Why is he upside down?
Immediate conclusion: What the hell is this picture about, anyway? Over 10% of the entire trailer is shots of that house! Also, I was right about the boat shot.
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